LeBron James Announcement: 10 Shocking Possibilities
The hype has begun. Thursday night will be the greatest night in the history of televised free agent announcements. LeBron James will let the sports world know which team he will play for in an hour long special on ESPN.
Realistically the announcement will take about 30 seconds, and then Stuart Scott will interview LeBron for about five minutes after to get his reaction on the decision. That leaves plenty of down time where ESPN surely will replay LeBron’s greatest moments, including Game Five this year against Boston and Game Six last year against Orlando.
More likely they will recall the super travel against Washington and the miraculous shot against Orlando in Game Two, when Cleveland blew a 22-point lead at home and almost lost. My point is that a half hour would do the trick.
I get why ESPN wants to do it, they gain ratings while breaking news and continue to avoid showing any West Coast baseball.
I get why LeBron wants to do it, for the Boys and Girls Club of America. What better way to raise money for charity than through ego inflation and royalty fantasies? I’m sure LeBron will give some of his new contract money to charity organizations for those wondering, or as he calls them, peasants.
Where LeBron is going to play has destroyed more franchises than it is going to help because of false hope and could even ruin the city whose economy is based around him (all I can think of is the fake Cleveland tourism videos with the under construction since 1868 line).
His decision to do an hour televised special is a terrible idea if he leaves Cleveland since a sports city dying should be done quickly, like ripping a band-aid. If he stays in Cleveland, the hour long special is a terrible idea since he, like A-Rod, will be announcing that he is continuing to work in the exact same place he already is working. There is no more self-important act an athlete can do than massively hype status quo.
LeBron needs to shock the world, and as I see it now, nothing he has planned can do that. I have created 10 things
10. “I have requested a sign and trade, and that request has been approved. I look forward to playing with Kobe, Phil and the Lakers next year.”
For the announcement to have any impact, it has to be way out of left field, and LeBron going to the Lakers would make his star rise and make the Lakers the most hated team in the NBA since the Bad Boys of Detroit.
9. “This decision has been the most difficult of my life. The only way I could make the decision was with the help of my new manager. Come out here Tim Donaghy (Donaghy and James hug). I’m coming after you Stern, and you can bet on that.”
LeBron needs to go full heel if he leaves Cleveland. He needs to hire an evil manager, wear a crown and robe to every press conference, sport an evil goatee, and get his jersey changed to where it reads “King James.” Tiger needed to go full heel, and we can see him struggling because he didn’t.
8. “I have an announcement to make before I let the world know which team I will be playing for next year. Rumors flew around at the end of last season, rumors of Delonte West having relations with my mother. Those rumors are unfortunately true. To Delonte West, I ask this question: Do you know where your mother was last night? I do.”
I have no clue of the status of Delonte’s mother, whether she is alive or dead. Although for the purpose of LeBron’s revenge and to help ratings, I guess that doesn’t really matter.
7. “My decision on which team I am going to play for next year. I don’t know. I just wanted to see if I could string along a network for an hour and get some money for charity in the process. Suckers. I’ll post my decision on Twitter at some point in July.”
This would still be an exercise in ego inflation, but at least LeBron would be having fun with the event and messing with the media in the process. It would be refreshing honesty and help gain some fans for him in the process.
6. “ I recently watched a movie, and I’ve been inspired by it, so much so that I realize my basketball career can reach a new level if I follow through on this. That movie was Juwanna Mann, from now on call me Queen Jamie, and New York Liberty here I come.”
His chances of winning a title greatly increase with this decision; he becomes the biggest star in the New York basketball market, and instantly gets offered the lead in a movie role. Sadly the movie is Juwanna Mann 2, which is nowhere as good as the original or the book.
5. “I have decided to play for the Miami Heat. To illustrate the impact of my decision I have brought out a map. As you can see, there is now a hole in Northeast Ohio, where Cleveland is located. Let me get behind the map and show what my move to Miami will do to Cleveland.”
Although this will be highly offensive and probably censored, it will be an accurate visual display of the feelings Cleveland fans will have. Plus Oscar De La Hoya was naked on ESPN News, so there is precedent for Lebron’s whack a mole geography lesson.
4. “Next season, LeBron James will be playing with the Cleveland Cavaliers…and the Miami Heat, and the New York Knicks, and the LA Clippers. How you ask? It’s the Prestige.”
LeBron’s chances of winning a title greatly improve if he can meet with David Bowie and create a cloning machine to where four LeBrons rule the NBA. Four LeBrons means ESPN would no longer have time to show highlights of West Coast baseball games. It also would add some competition to the NBA regular season MVP race.
3. “The answer to which team I will be playing for is contained in this manila envelope. Please leave the room if this will affect you.”
Following the R Budd Dwyer route would definitely be shocking and earn high ratings. It would be a very short-sighted career move since LeBron surely would not win a title and live televised graphic violence is probably a bad way to raise money for an organization striving to help kids be caring and responsible. Filter would be thrilled since they could write another hit.
2. “I have decided to play for the Chicago Bulls. I will lose 30 pounds, shave my head, hang out with Charlie Sheen, and shave my beard into a Hitler mustache. I will be wearing No. 23. LeBron James is in the past. From now on, I am Michael Jordan.”
This would definitely score high on the creepy and surreal score, not as much as the greatest player of our generation sporting a Hitler mustache in Hanes commercials, but it would be close.
Changing his persona to Jordan’s would remove the stigma of trying to win six titles since he would already have them, plus he would have a statue. The new Michael Jordan also may want to do No. 5 on this list to absolutely ruin Cleveland.
1. “I am retiring from the NBA due to the HOV Virus.”
Since V stands for virus, the HOV virus has double the potency of a normal virus. He can’t retire with HIV since he doesn’t want to follow in Magic’s footsteps, so instead he retires with the HOV virus. LeBron can still follow in Magic’s footsteps with movie theaters and bad talk shows and weight gain.
The big difference will be the HOV virus, which is not real. The virus can be spread through traffic jams or napkin dispensers or Sports Illustrated, it doesn’t matter. Just as long as the virus creates a scare and makes LeBron even a bigger name and gives ESPN a stronger foothold as the worldwide leader in sports, as long as the sport is not West Coast baseball.
